People Who Hate Philosophy. You know those people that think philosophy is a waste of time because its really ineffectual and impractical but possess only enough intelligence to express it as ‘lol sittin’ in philosophy 101 and ppl r talkin about whether you can kill babies.’ This also applies…
On not talking like a five year old
Do you look like this?
No? Didn’t think so.
Cookie Monster is the only one allowed to say “nom” and it’s when he’s eating cookies.
You, on the other hand, shouldn’t say it. Because you’re not Cookie Monster. Or a five year old. You’re a goddamn adult. And if you’re a five year old, get the fuck off the internet: it’s full of things like tubgirl and goatse and you really don’t want any part of that. At least not yet. Wait until your bar/bat mitzvah.
But seriously. Say no to nom and variants (noms, nomming, etc.).
Also “sammich.” It’s a motherfucking sandwich and you are a grown-ass person and know how to use your words.
See the game? (According to Chris Wallace at Fox News,) I make fun of conservatives or Republicans because I’m a liberal, partisan ideologue; I make fun of liberals and Democrats because I want — as part of my brilliant yet cynical strategy — to maintain enough credibility to continue to make fun of conservatives and Republicans.
And that narrative of conservative victimization is the true genius of what Fox News has accomplished: any editorial judgment in news, or schools, or movies that doesn’t favor the conservative view is elitism and is evidence of liberal bias. Whereas any editorial judgment that favors the conservative view is evidence, merely, of fairness — and done to protect them from liberal bias.
And if you criticize Fox for this game, guess what that’s evidence of? How right they are about how persecuted (conservatives are). It is airtighter than an otter’s anus.
And that narrative of conservative victimization is the true genius of what Fox News has accomplished: any editorial judgment in news, or schools, or movies that doesn’t favor the conservative view is elitism and is evidence of liberal bias. Whereas any editorial judgment that favors the conservative view is evidence, merely, of fairness — and done to protect them from liberal bias.
And if you criticize Fox for this game, guess what that’s evidence of? How right they are about how persecuted (conservatives are). It is airtighter than an otter’s anus.
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| — | JON STEWART, calling out Fox “News,” on The Daily Show (via inothernews) |
Ur is not a word.
Nor is ty, yw, yu, tha, smh, etc.
It’s not that hard to type out “Thank you.” “You’re welcome!”
You’re and your are two different things.
There, their, and they’re. I learned this in first grade.
The letter Q is not the letter G.
Apostrophes, commas, and periods exist…
Touching me, touching you
Here, sing along with this song:
When you reached the chorus, did you also sing the horn part (e.g. “BUM BUM BUM”) and then add in extra words after Neil sings “Good times never seemed so good” (i.e., “so good, so good so good”)?
Yeah?
Fuck you.
Callbacks are for the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Not for Neil Fucking Diamond. This is a perfectly great song and you don’t need to ruin it with your stupid callbacks.
Fucking knock it off.
Look at that audience. They don’t sing along. Be like them.
WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?
My mother leaving to give birth to my younger brother. And I hated him for a long time.
I no longer hate him. He has turned out all right.
Other fad foods that can go to hell
- Sun-dried tomatoes
- Caesar salads
- Raspberry vinaigrettes
If I see these things on your restaurant’s menu, I lose respect for you.
Dough comes in forms other than “sour.”
Fucking sourdough. I go to do my grocery shopping at Trader Joe’s (and I kind of hate myself for being so white), and, like, 90% of the artisanal-style breads are sourdough.
Enough already. It is no longer the 1990s. There are other breads than sourdough.
Fuck you, sourdough bread.
Emphasis matters.
Ok, total Last Crusade moment here: you have to choose one of the following ways to pronounce the word “insurance.”
- in-SUR-ance
- IN-sur-ance
One way is right; the other wrong.
So, which will it be?
You suck at mass nouns.
Ok, I want you to tell me what you see here:
If you said that you see three (or six, if you’re assuming there are three that you cannot see) puddings, I hate you.
You do not see three puddings. Shut up. You see three pudding cups.
Mass nouns, people: things like pudding, milk, luggage, homework, etc. These all need qualifying units to be sensible when you’re counting them. Cups/bowls of pudding, liters/gallons/cups/ounces/bottles/jugs/whatever of water, pieces of luggage, homework assignments.
You have two pieces of luggage, not two luggages.
You have six homework assignments, not six homeworks.
I swear to Christ, I will lose my shit the next time I hear somebody say “ice creams.”
